I still miss you everyday. Each time I am lost and frustrated, I look back at the videos of you, replaying it constantly just to hear your voice and see your laughter. Lately, I have been looking frequently at your photos and videos because I wished you are here to pour out everything to. Then, hearing your voice tears me up each time.
This year, I went to see the memorial for 3 of you in Amsterdam. It is in a park close to the airport. I arrived after the event ended. I had to introduce myself because they thought I was a public and it is only open to public the next day. Some media staff were still around. But the refreshment truck has left. The only thing I wished stay longer. Typical of Ah Yan to only look for food. Pigorm - that is what Ti calls me. Or called.
The Dutch government has erected a tree for every person and engraved your name on a plate which is at the bottom of the tree. Your trees are still skinny and hopefully it will thicken up by next year. I forgot to bring flowers when I got there. There were a few trees with lots of flowers. Sorry. But there was a single rose on every tree which I suspect is from the organiser.
I feel sad looking at your names on the plate. Good thing it was sunny and I had my sunglasses on, so it was not awkward with red eyes. Your trees are located on an upper section right opposite a stage that has a silver egg-like shape with each person's name engraved on it. It took some time looking for your names. That sucks too.
3 years. It is true you don't stop missing someone. You just adjust without their presence but inside me, there is an empty hollow part which you took away. I still cannot share about the incident to anyone on a personal level. When I do, I will start to cry. I mean, writing about it still makes me cry, let alone talk. No one will understand what I am saying.
I wondered how is it if all of you are still around. But I know it is unhealthy to think such. So, I stop myself from pondering further.
Every year. Every 17th July. Never the same again.
